Dear Diary,
When I don’t know where to go, whom to bank on, in such lonely moments you are the one in whom a lonely soul like me wants to confide in. I need to finally tell you about the horrible, dreadful, ghastly past which is troubling me again today. I have done everything I could possibly have but it seems to be all in vain; it will kill me if I don’t unburden my heart to you.
Amidst all the insecurities, confused thoughts and tangling emotions, never in my entire life had it occurred to me that just one incident could ruin it completely. Unfortunately, in this journey of life, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. This will be a journey of pain and an unbearable ordeal to survive and I know it will be for the rest of the life. It took me almost one whole month to attain the courage to write about it; to build up at least a shred of my confidence that had vanished and to have the audacity to introspect my own life through words and not just intangible emotions.
People say time heals everything, but I’m still waiting… still stuck in the same memory of soreness and agony.
That was the turning point of my life – but only for worse. Suddenly, I was nowhere to be found on the path I was leading. This event squeezed the life out of me. Even now, it feels like I'm living in an endless nightmare. That helplessness, that unbearable loss of self esteem made everything hazy, nothing could steer clear off nor foresee as if life had paused.
That man took my life and played with it, slaughtered it and hurled it away. The deed has now been done and the scars will linger forever. Not only did he violate me; he debased my family, the people around me, as it affected everyone tremendously. My silence now, is profound, as I haven’t uttered much in the last few years and just tried settling in my cocoon alone. That loss of trust in everyone, that fear from the world and no loving gestures from family, made me so dry that I even tried to commit suicide. But that effort shattered my mother. Unfortunately my mom needs looking after–she has been living half her life without a companion; after the death of my beloved dad – but I can’t even take care of myself to begin with. I was mourning for the one I have become now – living dead.
The thought of stepping outside the threshold of my home still makes my stomach churn; my heart races at the sound of the door bell. Drowning into the pool of apprehension and anxiety, feeling completely tamed, someone like him will find me and harass me once again. Insomnia took over my existence. I tried taking drugs, alcohol, to forget that incident but it was only a temporary blackout and again the same thought that I am a burden on this earth.
Recuperation is almost too horrifying to deal with. I feel exposed, recoiling whenever anyone comes close or even tries to touch me. The world cajoled me to smile back. Despite of everything, is there a reason to smile? Why me? What horrible thing did I do to deserve this? But unlike those teenage girls wearing shorts and dresses and being out till midnight, I highly doubt I can conquer that stage of bravery and relaxation to be so carefree.
I doubt if I’ll ever be as I was. How could it be after being intimidated, violated, and physically pushed around to get what an inhuman hunted in a desperate need? Everything seems so uncanny, like I'm on the periphery, living life on the edge; it's like I'm living without sensations. How could he abuse my vulnerability to suit his own craze and fantasy? It’s almost impossible to identify myself in the aftermath of misery and debris following the depredation.
The intensity of my thoughts jolted me and made me realize that how much I wanted revenge. I wish he was dead, so that I could go to his funeral and yell that he was a rapist – a cold-blooded, egotistical, self-important scoundrel who had hurt a woman to meet his needs. This is still so unacceptable. What happened to me was the truth or is it still a nightmare?
My infuriation, my screaming, my revulsion, nothing stopped his nauseating, lustful touch which broke every sensation of my body at that moment. Even though I screamed and shrieked; he left the most awful bruises as he sank his teeth into my body. It’s unbearable to my mind and soul to see my reflection in the mirror. I hardly recognize myself. He used his physical power over me. What kind of monster uses that to accomplish this?
If only I knew what were his intentions, if only I could put a stop to what he wanted, if only I'd got over it quickly, if only I discerned how to deal with this disturbed low-life person, if only I was conscious at that moment. But 'if only' doesn't change what occurred or what he did to me!
My aura is tainted with vulnerability and naivety. It sinks me into my own terrain of fright and angst. It is so intricate, having this affect, every facet of my life. I am absolutely tired of being down in the dumps, a deadened and shattered person who can’t even take the courage to step out of the house. How I yearn for the age of innocence, a time when I didn't have to experience this – almost half a decade ago.
Finally after all these days, last week, just to soothe the bizarreness of my mind, I pushed myself to visit the beach; considering that the sound of the sea waves and smell of damp sand will help me ponder. But… on the contrary the rage of the sea jogged my memory of how I felt, all the turmoil within me. The serenity and tranquility just didn’t reflect how I inferred this situation. I imagined that I'm in a sea of bleakness. Then I saw what I thought was a lone shark, who preyed on the little wandering fish.
Nevertheless, the pain would persist. It will always subsist in my heart. What he took from me, he had no right to take. He rendered me unable to struggle, powerless to do anything. Other than that, what he wanted me to do; he had no right to force me into that situation. Don’t want to continue to exist in this desolate life forever.
Where do I discover myself? How do I move past this? How can I not blame myself for allowing him to do this to me? I am not obliged that I am alive and physically intact. I am sick to the stomach and dismayed by what he has done to me.
The notion haunts me that he could do this again to another woman. And now only thing which can make me live is to stop him and many other animals like him; because if I can't stop him or shield any such victims then life is lifeless and that irks me a lot. One needs some meaning to live and regrettably I don’t have any. Help me gather my thoughts again and be firm with my decision of eradicating such rascals from the society. I can’t let any other woman suffer this dejection and breathe in the turmoil just the way I did. I can’t let that moment arise.
